“I’m a Scalding Hot Mess (Depression)”

The only song playing in my head today.

I can’t get it together. I’m about to basically complain this entire post but I have completely had it…

I’m terrible at saving/keeping money. I’m up to my scruffy, un-snatched eyebrows in personal debt. I just paid $99.00 on my credit card to monetize this blog that nobody reads. Why did I do that?!

My sugar addiction is crippling. I fall off the wagon once and it’s over for me; I indulge on sugar everyday after that. I really hate my upper body and I can’t fit my pants. I think about food about 80% of my day, every single day.

I listen to a podcast (Black Men Can’t Jump in Hollywood, a great podcast, btw) and they were discussing The Mountain Between Us (that Idris Elba and Kate Winslet movie about surviving on a snow-capped version of hell that I will never see). On the episode, the hosts mentioned that the two had to survive on, like, a handful of soup for a week or something and I thought, “Oh, they probably got really skinny.” And in complete admiration. THAT ISN’T HEALTHY!

I’m in a situation with someone that I love and I don’t even know where I stand. We’re in that wormhole “we’re just dating but not monogamous” BS situation that I find myself in with every single person I date. I tend to date people with unstable, unfavorable views of monogamy when that is literally all I want. And we’re supposed to go out of the country together next week!

I’ve always wanted to write a book but I’ve started three in the past year and haven’t finished either. I won’t sit down to write because I am plagued by self doubt.

I’m bored with my job and living situation but can’t make sudden moves because I have ZERO dollars saved and the aforementioned butthole of debt I possess. Rewind to the fact that I’m terrible with keeping money.

And yes, I’ve read all the books. I know there are people out there that wish they had what I do. I understand that and empathize with them. I hear:

  1. It’s all about the journey, not the end result
  2. Stay present
  3. Keep expressing your gratitude
  4. Just let go!

But isn’t that easier said than done? I know that it’s not just me out here spiraling. I read the books, get a momentum going, get bored with it, and then crash that momentum onto the concrete sidewalk and shatter it like expensive china.

I just want to be happy, man…

I did make this really good meal for lunch this week (The Whole Wheat Pasta w/ Lemon Kale Chicken). Shoutout to Buzzfeed; even though I hate their pushy, clickbait articles. >>Printable recipe here<<

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Author: Sincerely, Sydney Nicole

A careful Black girl trying to figure this life shit out.

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