BBC #4 (Week Three)

No loss or gain this week. Still a disappointment.

Week Three Wrap-Up:

I didn’t really make any changes, which is detrimental to my success.

I continue to eat too much and exercise at a limit that’s well under my full potential.

An episode of My 600lb Life that I watched made me tear up from empathy. The subject of that episode discussed how his addiction with food proved to be harder to break than his addiction to hard drugs. I half-agree – given that I’ve never done hard drugs – but I’ve always had an emotional connection with sweets. Sweets have always been my downfall because I associate sweets with self-care.

I’ll mosey into the bakery section at a grocery store and gaze at the assortment of multi-colored, sugary death traps and tell myself, “I deserve to have a treat”. And then I’ll do that every day, masking my true emotional issues with the false sensation of “self-care”. And then I gain 25 pounds.

What I Did Right

It’s really important to focus on the good things we do, no matter how small. Positivity attracts more positivity. I did force myself to workout three times last week and I made myself cook dinner twice.

What I Did Wrong

Indulged on all the sugar and bread my little heart desired. I ate mindlessly and I created excuses on why I didn’t have to go to the gym between Thursday-Sunday. I exceeded my calorie goals on most days.


1. Follow the meal plan that my nutritionist gave me:

2. Allow myself ONE (1) sweet treat

3. Workout five (5) times this week. No excuses.

4. Practice mindful eating and self confidence. I’m going to achieve my goals by any means.

Current weight: 237 (no loss or gain)

My ultimate goal is to be at 227 by Christmas. It’s a stretch but I know I can do it.


Law of Attraction: Using Your Mind to Get Whatever You Want

We’re (briefly) diving into the law of attraction, y’all.


To provide a rather brief understanding of the law of attraction and how to manifest whatever you want into your actual ass life.

Now, WTF Is It?

You may have never heard of the “law of attraction”. Or you may have spent late nights engrossing yourself in The Secret and watching YouTube videos where wide-eyed, audibly emphatic people describe how the law of attraction has “completely changed their lives”.

For those who want a more in depth understanding, you can visit this site or read The Secret by Rose Byrne. However, the law of attraction is basically a concept that states that your thoughts become real life and physically manifest into your actual being.

A completely fictional example…

Janet hates her job. She wastes her day away filing papers and destroying the alignment in her spine with slouching at her desk for over eight hours a day. Every weekday morning – after her alarm shocks her out of a restless sleep – she drags herself out of bed, contemplates calling in sick because of another bout with “diarrhea” (because literally nobody asks questions about diarrhea), and visualizes her perfect job.

You see, Janet has always wanted to be a model. She pictures herself poised on stage, heels to the ceiling, posing for photos in front of flashing lights of a world renowned photographer. She writes out her dreams daily. In her mind, she’s already a famous model: she can feel the air in the room of the shoot, the excitement powering through her body like electric shock, the vibrating whirr of the camera allowing her to create the real-ness of it all. There’s no doubt in her mind that she won’t be a model. Hell, Janet already feels like a model.

One morning, while dragging her tired body into her favorite coffee shop, Janet is stopped by a random man. He’s been looking for someone that has her look and wants her to model for his magazine; which is rapidly growing in popularity. Janet is now officially a model and her thoughts/visualization allowed her to achieve this dream.

Sounds like bullshxt, right?

That it may. And I get it. If all it took was for me to picture myself as a rich ass housewife to a retired professional basketball player, why am I not sprawled out on a yacht in the Carribean right now?! From my understanding, the law of attraction is more so about being specific with your visualizations, putting in the work to make them happen, and actually believing that they’ll physically manifest into your life without doubt. It’s not enough to see yourself as the future Al Sharpton (massive head and all), you have to visualize yourself in his life and actually fully believe that it’ll happen. I know…

Do I Really Believe This Shxt?

I do, but with limits. In The Secret, the author claims that the law of attraction is so powerful that if you visualize your child dying or someone holding a gun to your head then you brought that onto yourself. I refuse to accept that analogy; nobody brings events that detrimental onto themselves. But there have been times that the law of attraction has worked for me and I’ll explain those in a later post because this has gone on fah too long, dahling!

Disclaimer: This is a very brief and very generalized view of the law of attraction. I may delve more into the subject later, I may not. I’m still learning it myself. I started out by reading The Secret, which is truly a bit clunky and extreme, but a decent starting point.


Remaining Body Positive AFTER Traveling

That body always looks good!

Look. I goes in on vacation.

I eat all the foods I want. I’m not a drinker but I’ll even allow myself a sip of something cute for the occasion. I squeeze my body into a two piece and flaunt on the beach like nobody’s watching because… well…

They’re not.

Nobody knows me in another country. Nobody’s stopping to say “hey, that girl doesn’t have a traditionally beautiful body she sucks.” And if they do, they’re weird. An important rule to remember: everybody’s body is acceptable on vacation.

I like to pack away my insecurities while traveling. While I tug on my clothes at home and constantly shove my already large shirt over my stomach, my tummy is almost fully exposed on vacation. I don’t care if people judge me; they’ll probably never see this face again.

I have a hard time recreating that nonchalance at Home. I’ve struggled with my weight for most of my life and I automatically assume that people are disgusted by the FUPA protruding through my jeans when they see it. But this isn’t high school anymore. I saunter through the downtown streets of where I live. Faces of sepia, caramel, mocha, white, and otherwise shuffle past me as I maneuver my way through the sea of nondescript faces. None of those people know who I am. And even it they do judge me; they won’t remember me in a few minutes.

So, what is the purpose of not maintaining that vacation confidence at home? What – or who – am I really getting down on myself for? Is it my own personal insecurities? Is it theirs?

Why can I be completely OK with my body when I’m surrounded by unfamiliarity but totally insecure when I’m home?

Just something to think about..

The Joys of Travel Anxiety

Spoiler alert: there are none…

When the thought crossed my mind that I could possibly become possessed while on vacation, I knew my anxiety had reached a ridiculous level.

I love to travel. In March of this year, I embarked on my first international trip and completed an almost two week vacay to Amsterdam, Cape Town, and Johannesburg/Limpopo Province.

And, while the trip was magnificent, the weeks leading up to it were the most stressful of my life.

The fear of what could possibly happen engulfed my entire being. I sat upright in my bed most nights and drafted near impossible disaster scenarios of what was to come:

  • Our plane would be shot down. We were traveling to Turkey to get on our connecting flights. The political climate is tricky; anything could happen.
  • Our plane would literally explode in the air.
  • We would get kidnapped on our way there. There are only two of us. Someone could definitely take us down and steal our organs.
  • As mentioned earlier, I could get possessed by a spirit in our Holiday Inn hotel.

Honestly, how many times do you hear about planes actually exploding in the air? It’s not that common and flying is apparently super safe. However, I realize that the anxiety will never go away.

It’ll always be there.

So, instead of trying to make myself get rid of it, I manage it.

I think of all the beauty I’m about to experience. Whether I’ve been there or not, I know I’m going to enjoy myself

I meditate. I journal. I write out all of my fears in regards to traveling and counter those fears with something positive.

I’m an organization freak so I make lists and check, check, double check them for accuracy.

I’m just a naturally anxious person. That’s who I am. I’m going to always have this anxiety but I won’t let it keep me from traveling. The spirit of traveling, the freedom I feel while in another location, is more important than my consistent worry. I’m happy to have all of this opportunity so why not take advantage?

Why not take advantage of the opportunities you do have?

And, if I do come back possessed by a spirit, I’ll probably be able to do some cool magic shit. That’s something, right?

BBC #2 (Week One)

So…. Yeah.

This week started out strongly but eventually morphed into a wastebasket filled to the brim with failure.

I started out the week eating healthily. Meal prepping on Mondays saves me a lot of time, money, and energy. I exercised Monday and Wednesday and used Tuesday as a day to catch up on much needed sleep.

Then it happened…

On Thursday, I ventured down to the little convenience store in my office building. No bigger than a walk-in closet, the store provides plenty of items like bottled water, pop (not soda), popcorn, sugary sweets, chips, deli sandwiches, hummus, and the like. I averted my eyes from temptation; pivoting to stare toward the healthy snacks nearest the entryway. But the small wooden rack packed with plastic covered, machine manufactured food items in the back of the store called out to me. I struggled, lifted up one leg to pull myself toward the items I needed to fulfill my body. But I gave in. The culprit:

A “Greek Yogurt”Double Chocolate Chip Muffin

I put the Greek Yogurt in quotes because that’s typically only added to make the item seem healthier. It isn’t. Don’t fall for it. It’s still a packaged muffin pumped with preservatives, sugars, simple carbs, and 580 calories. There’s nothing nutritious about a packaged muffin. Nothing, I tell you.

So, yeah. I gave that muffin what it was asking for and felt like shit immediately after eating it. I tried to make myself feel better about it by convincing myself that I was taking my sweet time with it instead of shoving it into my mouth like I always do. I didn’t feel better, though…

After that moment, I had officially barrel-rolled off the wagon.

By Friday, I had already quit my workouts, ate a piece of cake that some a*clown brought in, and began overeating every meal. On Saturday night, I inhaled a batch of mozzarella sticks and a whole small pizza in one sitting before going out to a Halloween party (where, in fact, I saw my ex).

But with that being said, I know I can do this. I’ve lost the weight before; I can do it again.

Consistency is so important at this point of my journey.

Measurable goals could be what I need to implement to get me going.

I need to:

  1. Be consistent. No overeating. Eat slowly.
  2. Workout at least four times/week (even on vacation)
  3. Don’t allow this week’s vacation to throw you off balance. You’re stronger than temptation no matter the setting.
  4. Lose 1.5 pounds this week

End of Week One Weight: 239 lbs (3 pound gain)

Week Two Goal: 237.5 lbs

“I’m a Scalding Hot Mess (Depression)”

The only song playing in my head today.

I can’t get it together. I’m about to basically complain this entire post but I have completely had it…

I’m terrible at saving/keeping money. I’m up to my scruffy, un-snatched eyebrows in personal debt. I just paid $99.00 on my credit card to monetize this blog that nobody reads. Why did I do that?!

My sugar addiction is crippling. I fall off the wagon once and it’s over for me; I indulge on sugar everyday after that. I really hate my upper body and I can’t fit my pants. I think about food about 80% of my day, every single day.

I listen to a podcast (Black Men Can’t Jump in Hollywood, a great podcast, btw) and they were discussing The Mountain Between Us (that Idris Elba and Kate Winslet movie about surviving on a snow-capped version of hell that I will never see). On the episode, the hosts mentioned that the two had to survive on, like, a handful of soup for a week or something and I thought, “Oh, they probably got really skinny.” And in complete admiration. THAT ISN’T HEALTHY!

I’m in a situation with someone that I love and I don’t even know where I stand. We’re in that wormhole “we’re just dating but not monogamous” BS situation that I find myself in with every single person I date. I tend to date people with unstable, unfavorable views of monogamy when that is literally all I want. And we’re supposed to go out of the country together next week!

I’ve always wanted to write a book but I’ve started three in the past year and haven’t finished either. I won’t sit down to write because I am plagued by self doubt.

I’m bored with my job and living situation but can’t make sudden moves because I have ZERO dollars saved and the aforementioned butthole of debt I possess. Rewind to the fact that I’m terrible with keeping money.

And yes, I’ve read all the books. I know there are people out there that wish they had what I do. I understand that and empathize with them. I hear:

  1. It’s all about the journey, not the end result
  2. Stay present
  3. Keep expressing your gratitude
  4. Just let go!

But isn’t that easier said than done? I know that it’s not just me out here spiraling. I read the books, get a momentum going, get bored with it, and then crash that momentum onto the concrete sidewalk and shatter it like expensive china.

I just want to be happy, man…

I did make this really good meal for lunch this week (The Whole Wheat Pasta w/ Lemon Kale Chicken). Shoutout to Buzzfeed; even though I hate their pushy, clickbait articles. >>Printable recipe here<<

Meditation: A Very Basic Guide

I used to think meditation was stupid. Spoiler Alert: I was wrong.

Defined as the act of engaging in mental exercise (such as concentration on one’s breathing or repetition of a mantra) for the purpose of reaching a heightened level of spiritual awareness (Merriam-Webster, mf), meditation has become a very popular subject as modern Western society shifts into a collective mindset where self-care is made a priority. I could provide some type of scientific insight on how meditation affects the hypothalamus and enhances your overall sexual responsiveness but really, who could care?
Regular meditation has influenced my life in so many ways. It has:
  1. Allowed me to focus on the present moment rather than let my anxiety push me toward worrying about the “what hasn’t even happened yet and may never happen.”
  2. Given me permission to clear my mind in the morning to create positive thoughts for the upcoming day and clear my mind in the evening to relax for bed. As someone that used to have trouble falling asleep at night, putting my phone aside to take three minutes and focus on my controlled breathing has changed the game.
  3. Caused me to sit and chill before losing my shit on those who try my precious patience. We’ve all been tried before (sometimes repeatedly) and it’s so easy to make a snap decision to let them have the first piece of your mind. However, meditation has allowed me to develop a heavily curated clapback that the other party so graciously deserves.
When I bring up meditation to any of my friends the first response that they give is usually, “I don’t know how to meditate.”
Girl, name a human that came out of the womb already in the Lotus position and began “OHMMM”-ing to clear their baby consciousness?!

You must learn the meditation technique that works for you and practice it regularly.

This is the technique I used when I first began meditating:

  1. I only meditated for a short period of time. 2-4 minutes (or even less) is perfect if you’re just starting out.
  2. I sat on the floor of my bedroom with my legs crossed (or directly in front of me), positioned my back comfortably against the bed, and placed my palms face down on my knees. I could lie and tell you I sat completely straight but my posture is awful so I’m not going to do that. Me and My God are working on this S-back, don’t you damn worry about it!
  3. I set a timer in my phone for 3 minutes. Sometimes I turn on some calming music without words (look up “meditation music” on YouTube, Spotify, Apple Music, etc.) and sometimes I sit in complete silence. Both are effective. I close my eyes and begin.
  4. Immediately, I establish an intention for the meditation to remain focused throughout. Usually, my intention is to “clear my mind and begin/end my day with discernment.”
  5. I inhale through my nose for 4 counts (a completely straight back makes this easier). Usually, I try to imagine that I’m literally inhaling positive energy; like it’s a physical property that can be seen (picture it as a blue smoke if you’re extra like me).
  6. I hold in that energy for about 7 seconds, allowing the positive energy to metaphorically fill my body.
  7. I then exhale any negative energy (picturing it as a red smoke) and allow it time to exit my body. I audibly exhale from my mouth to expel the negativity. I relax every muscle in my body: from my shoulders to my neck, stomach, legs, and down to my toes.
  8. I repeat until the timer goes off. I always make sure that the alarm tone is something soothing because if it was that damn iPhone alarm sound, I’d lose my shit.
  • I’m no expert on any of this. This is just my experience with this topic and my way of sharing it. That’s what this website is about. If you want expertise, catch it somewhere else, girl.
  • iOS apps like Headspace and Stop, Breathe & Think offer guided meditations that work well for beginners. I preferred the latter over the former for no discernible reason but, presently, I don’t use apps at all. I’ll probably delve more into guided meditation later but she’s a long one already.
  • It’s OK if outside thoughts pop into your mind during your session. I’m sure the most seasoned meditator would tell you that outside thoughts continue to invade their sessions. When it happens, DO NOT chastise yourself: this doesn’t help you to improve your skills or create positive thinking. Gently remind yourself of your intention and refocus on your breathing.
  • Meditation is a practice. If you practice regularly, you will get better. Let go of your perfectionism and allow yourself peace.

I once felt skeptical about meditation. Hell, I thought it was hippy bullshit for most of my life. However, I love meditation now. I had to go through some really terrible situationships to recognize that I needed something to clear my mind of all of the thoughts that don’t serve or enhance me.

Also, I recognize that this post is VERY long.

Happy meditating!