“I’m a Scalding Hot Mess (Depression)”

The only song playing in my head today.

I can’t get it together. I’m about to basically complain this entire post but I have completely had it…

I’m terrible at saving/keeping money. I’m up to my scruffy, un-snatched eyebrows in personal debt. I just paid $99.00 on my credit card to monetize this blog that nobody reads. Why did I do that?!

My sugar addiction is crippling. I fall off the wagon once and it’s over for me; I indulge on sugar everyday after that. I really hate my upper body and I can’t fit my pants. I think about food about 80% of my day, every single day.

I listen to a podcast (Black Men Can’t Jump in Hollywood, a great podcast, btw) and they were discussing The Mountain Between Us (that Idris Elba and Kate Winslet movie about surviving on a snow-capped version of hell that I will never see). On the episode, the hosts mentioned that the two had to survive on, like, a handful of soup for a week or something and I thought, “Oh, they probably got really skinny.” And in complete admiration. THAT ISN’T HEALTHY!

I’m in a situation with someone that I love and I don’t even know where I stand. We’re in that wormhole “we’re just dating but not monogamous” BS situation that I find myself in with every single person I date. I tend to date people with unstable, unfavorable views of monogamy when that is literally all I want. And we’re supposed to go out of the country together next week!

I’ve always wanted to write a book but I’ve started three in the past year and haven’t finished either. I won’t sit down to write because I am plagued by self doubt.

I’m bored with my job and living situation but can’t make sudden moves because I have ZERO dollars saved and the aforementioned butthole of debt I possess. Rewind to the fact that I’m terrible with keeping money.

And yes, I’ve read all the books. I know there are people out there that wish they had what I do. I understand that and empathize with them. I hear:

  1. It’s all about the journey, not the end result
  2. Stay present
  3. Keep expressing your gratitude
  4. Just let go!

But isn’t that easier said than done? I know that it’s not just me out here spiraling. I read the books, get a momentum going, get bored with it, and then crash that momentum onto the concrete sidewalk and shatter it like expensive china.

I just want to be happy, man…

I did make this really good meal for lunch this week (The Whole Wheat Pasta w/ Lemon Kale Chicken). Shoutout to Buzzfeed; even though I hate their pushy, clickbait articles. >>Printable recipe here<<

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Stop Telling Me What I Need to Do, America

Worry about what YOU need to be doing…

Ok, so… this post is going to be extremely petty. To the max petty. But I get so annoyed when I’m told by publications (most notably Buzzfeed) what I “need” to be doing or “should” be doing. For example:

“Three Courses You Need to Take to Monetize Your Blog.”

“40 Restaurants You Should Be Spending Your Hard Earned Money On.”

“678 Reasons Why You Need to Worship Satan.”

Ok, I’ve never seen that last one before. I’m also not here to judge if that one spoke to you.

But seriously… relax, Internet. The sense of urgency in these titles get under my skin as well as I just simply don’t like being told what to do. On some level, I feel a sense of constant anxiety behind the underlying feelings of inadequacy based on the fact that I’m not doing what I should be doing at the present time.

The constant desire of life improvement is prevalent in today’s society. We all just want to get better, do better, and be better. But the insistent reminders of the things and activities that I’m not currently participating in that society and the media says I ought to gets to be overwhelming.

The creators of these articles and headlines need to mind their GD business. A simple suggestion is cute and all but remove the overzealousness from your title – I don’t need it.

I’m sure that may have seemed like a reach for some but if we aren’t reaching, we aren’t achieving, amiright? Plus, I warned you… I’m petty.

Meditation: A Very Basic Guide

I used to think meditation was stupid. Spoiler Alert: I was wrong.

Defined as the act of engaging in mental exercise (such as concentration on one’s breathing or repetition of a mantra) for the purpose of reaching a heightened level of spiritual awareness (Merriam-Webster, mf), meditation has become a very popular subject as modern Western society shifts into a collective mindset where self-care is made a priority. I could provide some type of scientific insight on how meditation affects the hypothalamus and enhances your overall sexual responsiveness but really, who could care?
Regular meditation has influenced my life in so many ways. It has:
  1. Allowed me to focus on the present moment rather than let my anxiety push me toward worrying about the “what hasn’t even happened yet and may never happen.”
  2. Given me permission to clear my mind in the morning to create positive thoughts for the upcoming day and clear my mind in the evening to relax for bed. As someone that used to have trouble falling asleep at night, putting my phone aside to take three minutes and focus on my controlled breathing has changed the game.
  3. Caused me to sit and chill before losing my shit on those who try my precious patience. We’ve all been tried before (sometimes repeatedly) and it’s so easy to make a snap decision to let them have the first piece of your mind. However, meditation has allowed me to develop a heavily curated clapback that the other party so graciously deserves.
When I bring up meditation to any of my friends the first response that they give is usually, “I don’t know how to meditate.”
Girl, name a human that came out of the womb already in the Lotus position and began “OHMMM”-ing to clear their baby consciousness?!

You must learn the meditation technique that works for you and practice it regularly.

This is the technique I used when I first began meditating:

  1. I only meditated for a short period of time. 2-4 minutes (or even less) is perfect if you’re just starting out.
  2. I sat on the floor of my bedroom with my legs crossed (or directly in front of me), positioned my back comfortably against the bed, and placed my palms face down on my knees. I could lie and tell you I sat completely straight but my posture is awful so I’m not going to do that. Me and My God are working on this S-back, don’t you damn worry about it!
  3. I set a timer in my phone for 3 minutes. Sometimes I turn on some calming music without words (look up “meditation music” on YouTube, Spotify, Apple Music, etc.) and sometimes I sit in complete silence. Both are effective. I close my eyes and begin.
  4. Immediately, I establish an intention for the meditation to remain focused throughout. Usually, my intention is to “clear my mind and begin/end my day with discernment.”
  5. I inhale through my nose for 4 counts (a completely straight back makes this easier). Usually, I try to imagine that I’m literally inhaling positive energy; like it’s a physical property that can be seen (picture it as a blue smoke if you’re extra like me).
  6. I hold in that energy for about 7 seconds, allowing the positive energy to metaphorically fill my body.
  7. I then exhale any negative energy (picturing it as a red smoke) and allow it time to exit my body. I audibly exhale from my mouth to expel the negativity. I relax every muscle in my body: from my shoulders to my neck, stomach, legs, and down to my toes.
  8. I repeat until the timer goes off. I always make sure that the alarm tone is something soothing because if it was that damn iPhone alarm sound, I’d lose my shit.
Remember:
  • I’m no expert on any of this. This is just my experience with this topic and my way of sharing it. That’s what this website is about. If you want expertise, catch it somewhere else, girl.
  • iOS apps like Headspace and Stop, Breathe & Think offer guided meditations that work well for beginners. I preferred the latter over the former for no discernible reason but, presently, I don’t use apps at all. I’ll probably delve more into guided meditation later but she’s a long one already.
  • It’s OK if outside thoughts pop into your mind during your session. I’m sure the most seasoned meditator would tell you that outside thoughts continue to invade their sessions. When it happens, DO NOT chastise yourself: this doesn’t help you to improve your skills or create positive thinking. Gently remind yourself of your intention and refocus on your breathing.
  • Meditation is a practice. If you practice regularly, you will get better. Let go of your perfectionism and allow yourself peace.

I once felt skeptical about meditation. Hell, I thought it was hippy bullshit for most of my life. However, I love meditation now. I had to go through some really terrible situationships to recognize that I needed something to clear my mind of all of the thoughts that don’t serve or enhance me.

Also, I recognize that this post is VERY long.

Happy meditating!

BBC #1

BBC stands for Bad Bitch Challenge. No, I don’t like the word bitch. The title is just funny to me.

I’ve learned that putting off goals by telling myself that I’ll start tomorrow or on any specific date that isn’t right now will ensure that I’ll never start. This is definitely not true for everyone but it damn sure is for me, ok? I have to start now.

Now, weight loss is a mind-fuck. You have to be mindful of what you’re putting into your body every time you consume something. Boss lady brings Italian food for lunch? You must monitor your consumption. You somehow find yourself in a room filled from floor to ceiling with cookies? You must monitor your consumption. I know mantras can help for some people when they’re faced with eating challenges (like “put that shit down!”) but I’ve yet to find one that works for me. Mindfulness is key to consistently eating foods that nourish your body and this is where I struggle the most.

Exercise is a little easier for me once I got past comparing myself to other’s workout habits. I can’t go from being sedentary to a cross fit instructor in two days; it’s just unrealistic. I give myself breaks and I also allow myself to only go to the gym for 15-30 minutes.

There have been times where I’ve driven to the gym, parked my car, extended my hand near the car door handle, and then subsequently drove away with my middle finger out the window. I keep myself from doing this now by ensuring myself that all I have to do is workout for 15-30 minutes. I usually end up working out for longer but allowing myself that freedom gets me in the door.

Here we go:

Current weight: 239 lbs

Goal weight: 200 lbs

Exercise Frequency: 5 days/wk

Intention: Mindful eating without OVEReating.

Girl, What Weight Loss Journey?

I’ve been overweight for most of my life. How long does a weight loss journey last, girl? 20 years? I want OUT!

So, about me:

  • I’ve been overweight since I was six years old.
  • I was a daily binge eater throughout middle school and high school. I refused to eat during the day but then would go to town on ramen noodles, cookies, cakes, and any other type of processed food when I got home. I HATED my body and knew nothing about nutrition because they didn’t teach it in school. I had one health class in middle school and then nothing else. Like, what kind of shit is that?! Is it too much to teach personal finance and consistent health/wellness to middle/high school kids? Just basic life skills, right? Whatever so yeah, I was a binge eater and I didn’t even know that represented an eating disorder until recently.
  • I gained close to 40 lbs in college by eating Wendy’s, personal (and not-so-personal) pizzas, and Chipotle daily and also not lifting even a pinky toe for exercise.
  • I graduated and moved out on my own. I taught myself about nutrition and lost 30 lbs.
  • I then experienced two very toxic situationships and gained 20 lbs back.
  • I’m presently a yo-yo dieter lost in the sauce and I allow myself to binge on sweets and carbs because I feel like I deserve them.

I love to peruse YouTube for weight loss tips and motivation and I constantly see videos from women who have already lost the weight. While those are helpful (and absolutely necessary), where are those like me that are presently going through it? I’m so proud of those women, don’t get me wrong but where is the girl that struggles with it and obsesses over their weight every second of every day?

“Can I eat this and just work it off later?”

“I can’t wait to wear a crop top. I’m sick of my stomach.”

“I need to do better. I’ll get back on track tomorrow”

Shit’s hard, yo. It’s taken me 26 years to recognize that my mind does all of my bidding and that I haven’t learned to self-motivate because I never even knew that it was attainable. So now it’s hard to upgrade my mindset and get positive to stay positive. There has to be someone out there like me.

Truthfully, the purpose of this blog is for my own outward accountability: to be mindful consistently, to bless myself with a healthy body, and to stick to my goals. Posting this shit on the Internet for anyone to see could be a game changer for me and could also motivate someone else in the process. If one person reads my ranting and gets something positive from it, I’ve done my job.